Rurouni-Locks and the Three Warriors
by Maeniel
Summary: Kaoru can't make tea. Sano's Zanbatou weighs a ton. And Yahiko's got the only decent room in the house. What's a pretty little redhead to do?


Disclaimer: I don't own Kenshin or Rurouni-Locks... erm... Goldie Locks and the Three Bears. Right? Right.

Notes: Yes, yes. I know I should update my other story. But I just saw this sitting around in my hard drive feeling all lonely, and I thought: Hey! It's been done before! Let's do it again! So here we are with a little parody on the ever-famous fairy tale. And I promise, for all those who are enjoying The Path of the Sword, I will update that soon.

In script format. Italics indicate narration while parentheses ( ) indicate character actions.

Rurouni-Locks and the Three Idiots--er... Warriors

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CAST

Rurouni-locks: _Himura Kenshin_

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Idi--er, Warrior #1: _Sagara Sanosuke_

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Warrior #2: _Kamiya Kaoru_

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Warrior #3: _Myojin Yahiko_

_Once upon a time there were three idiots-_

Kaoru**:** Who are you calling idiot, baka?!!

_--As I was saying. Three brave warriors._

Kaoru**:** That's better.

_Who lived together in a dojo on the outskirts of Tokyo. While none of these id--er, warriors were actually related, they lived as a family. Their morning routine was not much different from any other normal dojo._

Yahiko: Oi! Get up, busu!

Kaoru: What did you call me, Yahiko-_chan?!_

Yahiko: Don't call me chan!!

Sano: Where's breakfast?

Kaoru: You freeloading idiot. Why don't you get off your lazy butt and _make_ some!

Yahiko: After all, if busu cooks, we'll all die of poisoning.

Kaoru: (Raising a broom threateningly) 500 swings, Yahiko!

_Okay, so it was completely different. For the most part, the three got along-_

Kaoru: I'll _kill_ him!

_AHEM! Anyway, one day, the three were having a drink, when the third warrior suggested an outing._

Yahiko: Let's go kick some ass downtown.

Kaoru: Watch your language, Yahiko.

Sano: Oi! Jou-chan! Can I borrow-

Kaoru: NO!

Sano: Sheesh. I'm going into town to gamble with some buddies.

Kaoru: Bum.

Yahiko: Well, I'm off-

Kaoru: Go get some tofu while you're at it.

Yahiko: But-

Kaoru: I'm teaching lessons at the dojo down the street. Making money to feed _you_. So go get the tofu!!

Yahiko: Hai, hai. (Mutters) Busu.

Kaoru: I _heard_ that!"

_Well... they didn't go anywhere together, but at least they're all out of the house. So this day, when all three idiots-_

Sano, Kaoru, and Yahiko: WARRIORS!

_Okay, okay! Warriors. They're gone. Out doing who knows what. And wouldn't you know it, by chance, this day a stranger wandered into town. This stranger was very beautiful, with long, silky hair and a delicate face and body. The beautiful stranger's name was Rurouni-locks._

Kenshin: (Tugging on his hair, which is in loose curls around his face) Why can't I just pull it back like I usually do?

_Plot device._

Kenshin: Oh.

_Rurouni-locks happened by the dojo then. As the beautiful stranger was famished, having not eaten since the day before and traveling all day._

Kenshin: Anou... can you dispense with the beautiful comments?

_But it's true. Fine. Rurouni-locks saw the dojo and thought that perhaps he could get something to eat in exchange for helping around the place. After all, the dojo was so run down that it looked as if it could use all the help it could get._

Kaoru: BAKA! There's nothing wrong with my dojo!

_So, Rurouni-locks peered inside, calling out to see if anyone was home._

Kenshin: Erm... hello? Is anyone home? (discreetly tying his hair back into a ponytail)

_I'll let that pass. Of course, no one answered. After all, they are gone._

Kenshin: I'll just wait out here until someone-

_That's not the plot! Go inside now. You're hungry and tired._

Kenshin: But-

_NOW!_

Kenshin: Eep! (Runs toward the dojo.)

_Curious, Rurouni-locks looked around the dojo. First thing he saw... three cups, just as the idiots had left them._

Sano, Kaoru, and Yahiko: **WARRIORS!!!**

_Hai. So the polite Rurouni-locks choked back his manners and picked up a cup._

Kenshin: (sighing heavily, picks up the first cup)

_And tries it._

Kenshin: (sips, then blinks. peers into the cup) Oro? It's empty.

_Should have known that Sanosuke would never leave a cup of unfinished sake out._

Sano: Damn straight.

_So Rurouni-locks moved onto the next cup._

Kenshin: (sips from the next cup, and immediately spits it back out, turning slightly green) Ugh... I'm not drinking anything I can't identify.

_That would be Kaoru's. That goes to prove she can't even make tea._

Kaoru: SHUT UP!

_Setting that cup down, Rurouni-locks moved to the last cup._

Kenshin: (after cleaning up the mess he had made spitting out the tea, looks into the cup warily, sips) Whew! Water.

_You can't go wrong with that. Rurouni-locks finished the water and wandered around, curious about the place. He wound up in the dojo itself, where students usually practiced. On the wall was a strange rack where four swords rested. Wondering about these, Rurouni-locks went up to the rack to study the weapons. Of course, so curious was this Rurouni-locks that he had to try them out. He reached for the first weapon. It was an immense sword, the Zanbatou._

Kenshin: (Hesitantly gripping the handle of the Zanbatou) Orooooo! That's heavy! (Falls onto his back, pinned beneath the big sword)

_Are you okay?_

Kenshin: (swirly eyes)

_Get up then!_

Kenshin: (climbs out from beneath Zanbatou and warily reaches for the second weapon) It's made of wood.

_It's a shinai._

Kenshin: (Puts it back on the rack) Not my style.

_As the third weapon was just another shinai, Rurouni-locks reached for the fourth._

Kenshin: (grabs the sword and looks at it) HEY! How'd you get my sakabatou?!

_Plot device._

Kenshin: That's what you said last time.

_It still holds true. So now, Rurouni-locks was very tired. He wandered around, searching for a place to rest. Soon, he located three rooms. He went into the first one._

Kenshin: Oro! (runs back into the hall, snapping the shoji shut behind him) What a mess!

_Sanosuke, the biggest slob in Tokyo._

Sano: HEY!

_Since the first room was too messy, Rurouni-locks went to the second room. He went in._

Kenshin: Erm... this is a girl's room. It would be inappropriate for me to stay in here. (walks out, gently closing the door)

_How did you know it was a girl's room?_

Kenshin: The spare kimonos hanging across the room.

_It could be a cross-dresser._

Kenshin: In that case, I think it even less proper for me to remain in there.

_Fair enough. Rurouni-locks went to the third room._

Kenshin: Well, this is almost as bad as the first room. At least it doesn't smell like sake.

_Having found a room that was tolerable to remain in, Rurouni-locks settled down for a nap._

Kenshin: (Sits by the wall, sakabatou propped against his shoulder, and nods off)

_I guess there's no helping some people's sleeping habits. Anyway, not far from the dojo, the three idio--warriors happened to meet on the street on their way home. They walked the final few yards together._

Kaoru: Yahiko, go heat the bath for me.

Yahiko: Heat it yourself, busu!

Sano: The gate is open. Didn't you lazy bums close it on your way out?

**__**

BAM!

Sano: (on the ground with a large bump on his head) Itai...

Kaoru: You should talk! But you're right. The gate wasn't open when I left. Someone's been here since we left.

Yahiko: State the obvious.

Kaoru: Shut up.

_The three warriors went in to investigate. They stopped at the table where the three cups still rested. The first warrior-_

Kaoru: Why does Sanosuke get to be the first warrior? _I'm_ the assistant master of the Kamiya Kasshin Ryu. He's just a mooching barroom brawler!

_Because he's the biggest. Big, medium, small. That's how it works._

Kaoru: (sniffing disdainfully) The big dope.

Sano: Is this 'pick on Sanosuke' day, or something?

_Just get on with it! Look at the damned cup, Sanosuke--er, warrior one._

Sano: Geeze, what a grouch. (looks at the cup) Che! Someone used my sake cup!

Kaoru: How can you tell?

Sano: (pointing) See that stain on the table?

Kaoru: (vein popping in her forehead) Stain?!

Sano: Eh heh... um, yeah. I had the cup covering it.

Kaoru: (growling) You stained my table?!

_Play nice._

Kaoru: HE MADE A MESS OF MY PROPERTY!

_Just look at your cup._

Kaoru: (still threatening Sano with bodily harm, looks at the cup) HEY! Someone drank my tea!

Yahiko: (looking at her cup) And spit half of it out on the table. Whoever it was is tidy. They cleaned up after themselves. (points at the rag Rurouni-locks had used to clean the spit--er, spilled tea)

Kaoru: (growls)

_Finally, the third warrior looked at his cup._

Yahiko: (looks at his cup) Well, someone drank all of my water.

Sano: Safer than Kaoru's tea.

**__**

WHAM!

Sano: Itai...

_Very suspicious now, the three idiots-_

Sano, Kaoru, and Yahiko: **_WARRIORS!!!!!!_**

_(Narrator now windblown, wipes spittle from face) Hai. Warriors. The three warriors marched out to the dojo to check things out. They found things just as Rurouni-locks had left them._

Sano: GAAH! My Zanbatou! (runs across the dojo and picks up his precious sword from where it had fallen after Rurouni-locks was nearly turned into a rurouni pancake, tenderly polishing it off and replacing it in its mount) Whoever did that is going to pay!

_Okay, so warrior one is not happy. The second warrior looked at her shinai-_

Kaoru: (shrieks) MY SHINAI! It's one rung lower than it was before!

Yahiko: Kami forbid.

**__**

BAM!

Yahiko: Itai...

Kaoru: Obviously someone used it! And look!

Yahiko: The sakabatou!

Sano: What idiot would ever want to steal something as worthless as that?

Kaoru and Yahiko: (exchange confused glances) Not a clue.

_Thinking perhaps the stranger was still on the dojo grounds, the three id-_

Sano, Kaoru, and Yahiko: (murderous glares)

_Eh heh... erm... warriors went to search the rest of the place. The first warrior, concerned for the welfare of his sake collection, went straight to his room._

Sano: Huh. Looks good to me.

_Um... well, okay. He doesn't need to notice anything amiss with his room. On to the second warrior._

Kaoru: (looks into her room) Everything in its place. Futon folded, kimonos untouched.

_...Yeah. So neither the first nor the second warrior noticed that someone had been in their rooms. You can't win them all. Fortunately for the story, the third warrior had a bit more luck._

Yahiko: (staring down at the sleeping Rurouni-locks) Gee. Kenshin sure did his hair up funny. You got to admit, it does make him look more like a girl.

_You're not supposed to know him!_

Kenshin: (eyes still closed) I heard that, Yahiko.

_GAAAAH! STICK WITH THE STORY LINE!_

Sano: She's grouchy.

_Grrrrrrr..._

Yahiko: Fine, fine. (poses dramatically) Someone has been in my room, and she-

Kenshin: (cracks his eyes open. they are gold)

Yahiko: (sweating profusely) HE is still here!

Kenshin: (eyes turn purple, and he pretends to be sleeping again)

_So the three idiots-_

Sano, Kaoru, and Yahiko: **_WARRIORS!_**

_The IDIOTS stared down at the beautiful Rurouni-locks. Hearing their comments, Rurouni-locks opened his eyes._

Kenshin: Oro? Oh, hello there.

_The three warriors and the beautiful Rurouni-locks hit it off from the start. He got his food, and they got a slave--er, helper to do all--er, some of their chores._

The Oro... um... End

Sano: Well _that_ was stupid.

Kaoru: I agree. The author is an idiot.

Yahiko: I hate to agree with busu, but the author of this story must have been touched in the head when she wrote it.

__

I heard that.

Sano, Kaoru, and Yahiko: Eep!

Kenshin: (straightening out his hair) Maa, maa, you three-

Sano, Kaoru, and Yahiko: SHUT UP!

Kenshin: Sorry!

More notes: It's so much fun to poke fun at little things. I love these characters. Here was a pointless little fic. I'm still imagining Kenshin trying to lift the Zanbatou. Who out there thinks he could actually do it? He _is_ pretty strong... for such a little guy.

Kenshin: Sessha is not little. Sessha is small-boned.

__

Sure you are, Kenshin.


End file.
